


Not always when he was awake

by Yecam



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Bucky Barnes, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 01:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7384999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yecam/pseuds/Yecam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I didn't like how Marvel stuck Steve with Sharon because they destroyed the ambiguity of Steve and Bucky's relationship in that scene. I ship them hard so I decided to write this to explain how they love each other but don't want to scare the other off so they pretend to not be in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steve

Steve walked down to the medical bay where Bucky was. He had taken to visiting his friend every day since he was put on ice. He had already lost Bucky more time than he was comfortable with; he wasn’t losing him again. He sat down in the chair that he had set up next to the cryo-tube and started talking. Steve may love the family that he had found, but he still had some reservations around them. Bucky had always been there for him; he could tell Bucky anything. “Hey Buck,” he started, “I have a bit of a confession to make.” Steve sighed and looked around the medical bay to double check that it was empty; nobody was there. He timed his visits so that he would be there when there was nobody else. That way he could tell whatever he wanted to tell Bucky without anybody else hearing. “So, you know when I kissed Sharon?” he asked. He knew that Bucky couldn’t answer, but he paused all the same. “Well,” he continued, “it felt wrong. I was trying to make it work because she’s kind and pretty and everything a person could want in a partner, but…” he trailed off. He had been meaning to say it for days, but now, actually saying the words, it was harder than he was expecting. He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at Bucky’s frozen face, slightly troubled even while frozen. “But I don’t love her. I’ve only ever loved two people. I loved Peggy. And,” he continued in a small, barely audible voice, “and I love you Bucky. I tried denying it. I tried forcing myself to love someone else. I know that you don’t have the same feelings for me, you’ve always been my wingman, and I saw how happy you were when I kissed Sharon, but I’ve never found someone who has made me stop loving you. I’ve loved you since we were just two idiots in Brooklyn. I still love you, ‘til the end of the line pal.” He sighed again. He had finally done it. Yeah, he could tell Bucky anything, but not always when he was awake.


	2. Bucky

One of the many things that nobody knew was that when he was in cryo, Bucky remembered. He remembered everything. With Hydra, he would often remember who he killed; remember their faces, their fear and desperation. It was like the worst nightmare possible. This time, it was different. He remembered something older. He remembered when he and Steve were 15. He was staying over the night with Steve because both of their parents were working late. He remembered how skinny Steve was, too skinny. Steve had had a bad asthma attack and Bucky was lying on Steve’s bed with the punk lying on his chest as he rubbed slow circles into Steve’s chest. The attack had taken it out of Steve and he dropped off in Bucky’s arms, soothed by Bucky’s warmth and the circles Bucky was still rubbing into his chest. Bucky felt Steve go limp in his arms and maneuvered without jostling Steve too much and brought up the thin blanket up around the two of them. Looking down at Steve’s sleeping form he suddenly realized that, at some point, he had fallen in love with this punk. “Hey Steve?” he asked quietly. Steve didn’t even stir, sleeping the sleep of the exhausted. Bucky smiled and whispered, “I love you, punk,” and bending his neck slightly placed a kiss on the top of Steve’s head. He knew that even that small act of affection was dangerous and knew that there were already rumors about him and Steve. To protect Steve, he had to make sure that everyone knew that they were interested in dames. Bucky vaguely remembered a few dates, but his next clear memory was of the night before he was to go to basic training; possibly his last night with Steve. Steve was already asleep against Bucky’s chest for warmth, despite it being June. Bucky idly pet Steve’s hair. “I may not come back Steve,” he whispered, making sure he kept his voice low enough that he wouldn’t wake up Steve because he needed to say it. “but know that I will always take care of you. I made a will. I don’t have much, but if something happens to me over there, I’m leaving everything to you. I don’t have anybody else. It’s just you and me punk. I didn’t want to leave you. I was drafted. I told you I enlisted because I couldn’t say that I was only going because I had to when it’s all you’ve ever wanted. I’m sorry that I’m a coward, but I couldn’t leave you. I’ve loved you for years, and I’ll keep loving you. I’ll try to come back, I’ll keep living for you. Everything will be for you, because you are my everything. I love you” Bucky told Steve because he had to. He had always told Steve everything, just not always when he was awake.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments give me joy


End file.
